This week I have been taking a hard look at myself in the mirror because of the things we have been exploring. I hate it. I hate that my default is being nice and helpful. I hate that I long for the past. I hate that I have to confront all the things that I reject about myself and that they’re coming full force at me. I recognize I need to go there to really make this play something meaningful but it’s just hard and sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. Rather than creating our “play,” there is a big part of me that just wants to return back to those courts at Queens Quay and Bathurst to just play basketball. I miss that feeling now. I miss the simplicity of it.
Our semi motto/mantra has been “Be Brave. Be in the Moment. Play.” And as much as I believe it, theatricalizing all the things that I don’t like about myself for the public to see leaves me feeling exposed. It…is…HARD. It truly is. My mind, my body, every ounce of my being unconsciously seeks to cover, fight, or bully my way out of confronting myself. I need to learn how to just be. It’s truly learning about who I am and what I am doing, and why I do certain things and accepting that it’s a part of who I am.
But that’s hard and sometimes I would just rather play.
– Richard (Team Blue)